


Of Tears and Titans

by Uakari



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Drinking, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 19:45:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uakari/pseuds/Uakari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing will ever change, because she cannot throw away her humanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Tears and Titans

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be for Levihan week (promp: fear), but then I got ridic busy with work and didn't get it out on time... But, after flipping through Ch. 51 (even though I can't read a word of Chinese), the urge to finish it RIGHT NOW flared up and well, here you go!

“Oi, barkeep,” Levi raps his knuckles twice against the bar, “Two whiskeys, three fingers each.”

“I think your friend there’s had enough, don’t you?”

“She ain’t had any. Hurry up with those.”

“It’s fine, Levi,” Hanji mumbles into the wood of the bar, where she’s buried her face inside her elbows, “Let’s just go home.”

“Make that four,” Levi growls, “Any hurry the fuck up if you don’t want me back there.”

“Whatever you say, Corproal.” The bartender roils his eyes at the duo, but steps back toward his shelves to peruse the whiskey selection. “You want any kind in particul-”

“Something expensive.”

“Righto~!” There’s a chipper note in his voice now, but instead of soothing, it only grates further at Hanji’s nerves and sends her forehead grinding deeper into countertop. Her teeth grind as glasses clink and clank and slide; she only realizes their order has been filled when Levi grips her shoulder.

_This had started as a game._

“Oi,” he shakes her, “Let’s go sit in the back.”

She follows him wordlessly – sullen, dejected – and slumps into a booth seat along the back wall of the pub. “I don’t have the stomach for this today,” she groans, “Fuck, what if my squad sees me?” She yanks most of her bangs down across her eyes.

“They already saw you,” Levi reminds her and sets a glass of whiskey in front of her, “And they could probably smell you from across the street, anyway.” He plops into the seat across from her and sets the remaining drinks on the table with a frown. “Drink it; you’ll feel better.”

_“Most kills or first to twenty wins. Loser buys the same number of rounds they lost by.”_

“I ought to be paying for this,” she grumbles miserably, but reaches for the glass. Even for being expensive, it still tastes like shit and burns on the way down.

“This isn’t a game,” Levi says sternly as she chokes the contents of her glass down in one gulp.

_“Haha! Suck it, shitty four eyes! I took down 7 to your 5. Pay up.”_

“Isn’t it?” She slams the cup back down on the table.

“No,” he repeats.

She reaches for a second glass. “Then what’s it for?”

He sighs and takes a sip of his own drink. “Just a drink between friends.”

_“Cheers! To motherfucking titan killing!”_

“I don’t think I have the stomach for this anymore.”

“You already said that,” Levi eyes her with concern, “You can’t possibly be drunk already.”

“No, you don’t understand.” She slouches in her chair and tugs at her hair until it feels like her entire scalp might peel free of her skull. 

_“There’s no feeling better than taking down a seven meter when it doesn’t even see you coming.”_

“Hanji-” Levi starts to say, then changes course, “Are you crying again? We’ll get you new titans to play around with. It’s just a matter of time.”

“That’s not it,” she sobs, “ _I’m_ it. _I’m_ the problem, don’t you see? Don’t you fucking get it?”

Levi swirls the whiskey around his glass and shakes his head.

“Why am I crying over fucking titans?” she screams suddenly and slams her fist into the table. She’s done it now – the entire pub is looking directly at her – but she’s too deep into her own misery to care. “I cried! I cried when jammed sticks into their eyes! My squad laughed like it was hilarious – like _I_ was hilarious! But it was-”

“Hanji-”

“IT WASN’T FUCKING FUNNY!”

“I know.”

_“Killing shit shouldn’t be this much fun.”_

“You don’t know anything.”

Levi swallows the remainder of his glass in one and takes a deep breath before continuing. “You’re kind,” he says simply.

“It’s a fine quality for a soldier to have,” she salutes wearily and reaches for the final whiskey, “Does a world of good when you can cry over the death of your enemy.”

“They look _human_ , dumbass,” Levi grinds out, “They’ve got huge fucking heads and huge fucking eyes. They look like goddamned oversized children.”

“Your point?”

“What the-” He balls his hands into fists and scoots closer to the table. “I know you are not this dense,” he hisses, “Now come the fuck on. Of _course_ you would feel something. You’re not a murderer – you don’t take pleasure in killing. You might kill a fellow human but I doubt you’d forgive yourself for it. When you’ve got something that looks human like that – I mean, for fuck’s sake, people get all attached to their dogs! You take one as a pet and of course-”

“Sawney and Bean weren’t pet’s,” she sobs, “They were subjects. Lab rats. No one cries over fucking lab rats.” She buries her face in her hands. “Who the fuck would trust me as their squad leader now?”

“You’re human, is what I’m saying.”

_“If you cannot put aside your humanity, nothing will ever change.”_

Hanji laughs bitterly and swallows the last of her drink. Her cheeks burn just as badly as her eyes and the heat is making its way south, spreading down her shoulders, to her stomach. It ought to be soothing, ought to be giddy, ought to be dreamy. Instead it’s only a slow burn, fading to a dull ache. So much for expensive whiskey.

“What?” Levi groans.

“Isn’t that the truth for all of us, in the end?”

“Shit, here comes the drunken existentialism.”

“It’s true though,” she laughs, “In the end, we’re all only human. Subject to human reflexes and weaknesses. Slaves to emotions and whims. And we’re fighting against these big, braindead… _things_ -” she gesticulates wildly with her cup, “That don’t have to deal with any of that. They’re just big fucking eating machines for crying out loud. And we’re saddled down with all this fucking baggage. It’s-”

“Hanji,” Levi cuts her off sternly.

“Hmm?” she blinks and weaves, cup in hand, trying to get her eyes to focus on him.

“You won last time.”

“I won what?”

“The game.”

“This is not a game, Levi.”

“No, but it was then. And you won it. You took down six titans, all on your own. I only managed four.”

“I already drank your drinks, so don’t get too concerned. I got money-”

“Oi, drunk ass!” he claps his hands together to recapture her attention, “How’d you do that?”

“It’s from my paycheck-”

“Not that! The six titans you killed!”

“I had to.”

“Why?”

“S’my job.”

“Apart from that.”

“They came at m’squad,” her fingers ball into fists on the table, “Five meter took out Rollo, bit him righ’ in half. I had to-” She chokes back another sob. This isn’t fair. She’s already mourned her fallen comrades, so why is he dragging this out here and now? It isn’t fair-

“And how did that make you feel?”

Hot tears fall freely down her cheeks. “Fuck you.”

“It gave you strength,” Levi hisses.

“Fuck _you_.”

“You took everything that makes you human, all of that baggage – emotions, reflexes, whims – and turned it into a weapon.”

She doesn’t say anything, only scoots her empty glasses around the table.

“That’s what makes you a squad leader, dumbass,” Levi huffs finally, “That’s why they’ll continue to follow you, whether you’re crying about Shithead and Buttbreath-”

“Sawney and Bean,” she whimpers petulantly.

“Sawney and Bean, or leading a charge on a pack of six meters.” He frowns at her. “Now pull your head out of your ass and acknowledge that.”

“God, you’re worse than my mother.”

“Good.”

“Probably look better in a dress, too.”

“Alright, that’s enough.”

“Thank you, Levi.” She bites her lip and tries to smile. It doesn’t quite work, but it’s massive improvement upon the bloodshot eyes and wibbling lips she was sporting only moments ago.

“You’re fine,” he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, smiling lopsidedly, “Pain in my fucking ass.”

“Do you think we could make headstones for them?”

“What?” the smile vanishes from his face, “No.”

“But it would be really nice. Maybe just wooden markers then-”

“Yeah, you’re fine. I’m going home.”

“I’ll come with. It’s very bad f’r humans to be lonely in times of distress.”

Levi sighs and slips an arm under her drunken, sagging shoulders. “Fine,” he concedes, “But we’re washing your face first.”

_This was never a fucking game._


End file.
